Hormonal depression sucks.

AF is almost here.  I can tell by how seriously depressed I am today.  It appears one of the drawbacks of me not being on the pill is that raging depression now precedes all instances of af.  Each time she gets ready to rear her ugly head, I suffer a depression so bad that I can’t believe I actually pull out of it unscathed.  What am I depressed about?  Money.  Or my severe lack thereof.  Don’t get me wrong, I manage to pay all the bills on time, but we are constantly broke.  Constantly in debt, constantly in overdraft.  I’m constantly pinching pennies so that we’ll have enough money to buy food and put gas in the car.  And stuff just keeps coming up.  We can never seem to get ahead.  Mostly because the job I have now pays waaaay less than the one I had before.  Making 20grand less a year hurts.  You really notice it when I never have more than 47cents in my wallet at any given time.  When I spend every penny and then some on bills just to keep us afloat, rarely spending any of my money on myself.  The last piece of clothing I bought? A $26 dollar shirt, $20 of which was a coupon I cashed in my Air Miles for.  If I could just come up with a way to make $1000, that would get us out of overdraft and at least that way I wouldn’t feel like I’m drowning all the time.  Husband wants to buy a new smartphone for himself.  He got a bunch of cash as birthday gifts from family.  He has enough to get this phone, but he also wants to take some courses at a local college to upgrade his skills.  The first course, costs about as much as a new phone.  Guess which one he’ll probably get.  Meantime I’m actually wracking by brain on how I can we can afford the cost of his tuition.  I have no idea.  The worst part of the whole thing is that I have way to much pride in me to get a part time retail job somewhere.  Something about having spent $30,000+ in a university and college education just makes me cringe at getting a job in a mall as a salesperson.  How pathetic am I?  Pretty damn pathetic, that’s for sure.  And then I have to worry about everyone else’s problems as well.  My mom got into another car accident.  She has a bad habit of driving when she is tired.  Cops showed up at the house one night not to long ago because she was spotted weaving around like a drunk driver and they suspected she might have been involved in an accident.  So now, every time she leaves the house or she’s late coming home from somewhere I’m stressed that she’s out crashing her car somewhere.  Every. Single. Day.  She’s also got a bad habit of unloading her crappy life on me.  Fighting with her brother and sister all the time, family squabbles back home, fighting with my younger sisters, stubbed her toe and can’t possibly live in peace for one second more.  That’s basically the speech I get from her twice a day, every day.  Some 40 minute lecture on how bad her life sucks.  Yeah, get in line lady.  I’m living in my mothers basement, my life sucks worse than yours does.  Then there’s my husband.  Ow I hurt my leg, ow I burned my finger, Waah I hate my job but I’m too lazy to get another better paying one.  Suck it up man, I’m too stressed out to care.  You won’t let me help you get a job somewhere else, you won’t take my advice on taking your complaints about your boss to a higher level, you no longer have a wife who wants to listen to you bitch about it day after day.  All I want to do every day is stay in bed and sleep and dream.  My dreams are always nice.  I’m able to direct my dreams so I can usually make sure any dream I am having is a good one.  Yes, I’m a control freak. What of it.  And I guess that just about sums it up.  I’m unable to control my money situation.  I’m unable to control my crazy mother. I’m unable to control my reproductive ability.  Everything is out of control.  I’m spinning out of control and no one around me seems to even notice or care.  I’m too busy holding everyone else’s hand.  Supporting everyone else so much sometimes that I feel like I’m being crushed by it.  Dear god, my period better come soon or else I’m going to throw myself off the nearest cliff.